Carpet Meditation
  winter morning meditation - the mind crawls along carpet patterns   |
Sitting on my Chinese silk carpet in winter,
keeps the bottom warm but ...
.................... alternative haiku versions
meditating in winter -
the mind crawls along
carpet patterns
morning meditation -
the meditating mind crawls
along carpet patterns
After toying a bit with my photoshop, I came up with another version.... :o)
..... LOOK HERE ! .....
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
... My Asian Haiku Travelogue ...
... Meditation (dhyana) and haiku
Read my Haiku Archives from January 2007
***************************
BACK
To the Daruma Museum Index
To the World Kigo Database
posted by Gabi Greve @ 1/16/2007
6 Comments:
Hi Gabi san,
This is a wonderful image -- and isn't that how the stubborn mind
behaves?
Gabi, your first line seems too wordy (8 syllables). If you dropped
"winter" it would sound more pleasing to my ear, and you would have a good senryu, which I think would be more appropriate to the subject anyway.
On the other hand, you could drop "morning", but then "winter meditation" sounds more like merely thinking about winter, not zen practice.
Finally, if you dropped the first two word entirely, your senryu's minimalism would nicely match the practice of meditation. In any event, the kigo "winter" seems forced. My opinion only.
Your beautiful carpet photos are a real pleasure!
warmly,
--Billie
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/simply_haiku/message/18069
...................................
I agree the first line is too long, but still, being a HAIKU fan, I prefer it with the kigo.
But thanks for your considerations !
GABI
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Dear GABI,
Thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem!!!
thanks Kala
..................................
winter zazen . . .
the carpet's pattern unravels
in my mind
Richard Kay
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/simply_haiku/message/18083
。
Gabi,
I like the suggestions made to tweak the poem
carpet patterns
mind patterns
all kinds of combinations
I like the photoshoped picture of the carpet. It reminds me of how the surface of the lake looks in winter when freezing.
thanks from America
I cannot tell a lie. I love your rainy days, Gabi...
The pinocchio daruma is smashing and the carpet meditation mind bending...
thanks for such an interesting blog....
doris
...................................
Good morning, Doris san,
and it is raining again today ...
GABI
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
wow beautiful carpet
Your cats might have a wonderful meditation on it too
Have a nice haiku weekend
Etsuko
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cherrypoetryclub/message/29893
Post a Comment
<< Home